Picture your friend’s birthday party. You arrive a little late in a new dress you spent ages choosing. One of the guests says, “You look amazing tonight.” And instantly, almost without thinking, you say, “Oh, this old thing? I didn’t even have time to wash my hair.”
The next week, your manager praises your project in a team meeting. You spent three weeks on it, reworking the presentation at night. And again, before you can stop yourself: “Oh, it was really the whole team. I just pulled it together.”
That evening, you realize this happens almost every time. The moment someone looks at you with warmth, you take a step back. You explain, minimize, redirect. And sometimes, afterward, you feel a little regret. It felt nice. And it was true: you worked hard.
What happens in that moment
A compliment briefly turns the spotlight on you. You’re being seen: your looks, your work, your mind. For many women, that feels like pleasure and discomfort at once. Sometimes the discomfort wins.
Deflecting is a way to step out of the spotlight. “It’s an old dress” means there’s nothing special to look at. “It was the team” moves the light onto someone else. The tension drops fast. You’re back where it feels familiar: a little off to the side, unremarkable, not in anyone’s way.
I call this pattern avoiding visibility. It usually comes up around work: putting off sharing something, not showing your portfolio, not raising your rates. But it often starts with small things, like how you respond to a compliment. Being seen feels risky, and you reach to make yourself smaller before you’ve even decided to.
What we’re afraid of when someone praises us
Look closely and a deflection can hide several different worries, often more than one at a time.
“They’ll be disappointed later.” If I’m praised today, they’ll expect the same tomorrow. Better to lower expectations now.
“They’ll think I’m full of myself.” Accepting praise can feel like agreeing with it. And agreeing that you’re beautiful or smart can feel almost improper.
“They’re just being polite.” If you’ve long believed you’re not that great, kind words don’t match. It’s easier to trust the old belief than the new words. Research backs this up: people with lower self-esteem find it especially hard to accept kind words, even from someone close to them [1].
“Now I owe them.” Sometimes a compliment feels like a gift you need to repay: with a compliment back, a favor, extra attention.
Why it happens
Not all of this is a pattern to fix, and that’s worth saying.
In many cultures and families, modesty is a sign of good manners. “Don’t brag.” “Don’t make a fuss.” “Don’t get a big head.” If you grew up hearing that, brushing off praise may simply be politeness, not fear.
Not every compliment has to feel good. Some are perfunctory, some are out of place, some come with strings attached. Feeling awkward in response is a normal reaction, and you don’t have to accept those gratefully. Comments about your body from a boss, a stranger, or someone who makes you uneasy aren’t a chance to practice “thank you.” You can leave them unanswered or calmly close the subject.
Sometimes deflecting reflects how many girls are raised: praised for being “humble,” gently corrected for enjoying their own success too openly.
And sometimes it comes from experiences where praise was conditional. Say you were praised for straight A’s, but only until the next B. Then praise really does come with anxiety: a new demand may be right behind it.
The pattern shows up when you don’t want to deflect but can’t stop yourself. When the compliment is sincere, you like hearing it, and still “Oh, it’s nothing” comes out of your mouth.
The cost of staying invisible
It can seem trivial. So you didn’t take a compliment. Big deal.
But over years, something else can build up. People may stop saying kind things to you, because it’s awkward to be contradicted every time. At work, your contribution may really start getting credited to the team. And inside, an important source of steadiness never quite forms: the sense that the good in you is real and other people can see it.
There’s a subtler piece, too. When you reject a compliment, you’re gently arguing with someone who wanted to make you feel good. You’re telling them, “You’re wrong.” When a compliment is sincere, accepting it is also a way of respecting the person who said it.
One step for tomorrow: “thank you” and three seconds
The first time someone you trust gives you a sincere compliment tomorrow, answer with two words: “Thank you.” That’s it. No “oh, please,” no “it’s old,” no compliment back.
Then there’ll be a pause. It’ll probably feel awkward. Let it last three seconds. You can count in your head: one, two, three. And notice what happens in your body. Do you want to look away? Do your shoulders tense up? Do you feel the urge to add an explanation?
If you want to say more, add something true: “Thank you, that’s really nice to hear.” “Thanks, I worked hard on it.” That isn’t bragging. It’s just being honest about yourself.
If you’re praised for a group project, you can share the credit without disappearing from it: “Thank you. I’m proud of what we built, especially the analysis section.” You recognize the team and stay visible.
What might happen next
The first few times may feel really uncomfortable. It may seem like the pause lasts forever and everyone noticed. They probably didn’t. The person who complimented you will most likely just feel their words landed.
You may catch yourself deflecting even after you’ve said “thank you.” That’s not a failure. Smile at yourself and try again next time.
Or you may notice that accepting feels good. Not embarrassing, not dangerous. Good. That feeling is worth remembering.
A question for you
What are you afraid of when someone sees something good in you?
Frequently asked questions
Why do I make excuses when someone praises me?
Deflecting works like stepping out of a spotlight: “it’s an old dress” lowers expectations and tension. Behind it can be a fear of disappointing people, seeming immodest, not believing the praise or feeling you owe something. Often several at once.
Does this mean I have low self-esteem?
Not necessarily. Research shows that people with lower self-esteem find it harder to accept warm words, but the cause can also be an upbringing of “don’t brag” or a history of conditional praise. These are explanations, not a diagnosis.
How do I learn to accept compliments?
Answer with one word: “Thank you.” Hold the pause for three seconds and notice what happens in your body. If you want, add something true: “That means a lot.” For praise at work you can share credit and stay visible: “I’m proud of what we pulled off, especially the calculations.”
Do I have to accept every compliment?
No. Formal or inappropriate compliments, or comments about your body from a boss, a stranger or someone you feel uneasy around, aren’t a reason to practice “thank you.” You can leave them unanswered or calmly close the topic.
Sources
- Kille, D. R., Eibach, R. P., Wood, J. V., & Holmes, J. G. (2017). Who can’t take a compliment? The role of construal level and self-esteem in accepting positive feedback from close others. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 68, 40–49. DOI
The scenes in this article are hypothetical. This article is for education and reflection. It is not medical or psychological advice and does not replace care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).